Image via Complex Original
There’s a theory that human beings are repulsed by creatures that appear to be nearly, but not fully, human. Between the things that we love that don’t look at all like humans (e.g. red pandas) and things that we love that look exactly like humans (e.g. our family), there’s a space called the “uncanny valley.” Clowns fit into this uncanny valley of being eerily similar to us. And I think that is the reason people fear clowns.
In pop culture history, there have been nice clowns, like Clarabell from Howdy Doody, and clowns with big personalities, like Krusty. But mostly, clowns have a fearsome reputation, partly because of films like It that comes out on September 8 and stars Pennywise, a truly frightening and shape-shifting force that’s been on a murderous rampage since before the dawn of time.
Certainly Pennywise looks scary, but most of that has to do with his fangs, creepy voice and glowing eyes as well as his insatiable bloodlust and tendency to appear unexpectedly to jarring music cues. Those are more frightening features than his red nose, baggy onesie and receding orange hairline, but those clown-ish features certainly seem to intensify the horror. So let’s investigate the most frightful, red-nosed residents of the uncanny valley.
10. Zombie Clown
From what? Zombieland
Scariest moment? When goopy drool spills out of his mouth and he grins at Columbus.
Why’s this clown scary? Throughout Zombieland, Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) keeps a list of rules that have helped him avoid becoming a zombie. Among these rules is don’t be a hero—because being a hero entails bravery, which entails risk, and take enough risks and eventually you start developing a hankering for brains. During the climactic zombie slaughterfest at a defunct carnival, Columbus confronts his greatest conceivable fear: a large, scarred, drooling zombie clown, who stands between him and his would-be love, Wichita. Beyond its objectively horrifying features, it’s the metaphorical representation of the fears Columbus possesses about taking risks to get what he wants—which is also very daunting, though in a more abstract way. But as opposed to his past of self-preserving cowardice, Columbus breaks his rule in spectacular fashion, double-tapping the clown with a sledgehammer in what is (probably) the most cathartic head-crushing in film history.
9. Clarabell The Clown
From what? Howdy Doody
Scariest moment? When he gives his whispered send-off to all the children.
Why’s this clown scary? When Howdy Doody debuted in 1947, American home television sets numbered in the thousands. When it aired its final episode in 1960, 52 million had them. The first successful children’s show in American history relied on supporting help from Clarabell the Clown, who came before the widespread fears of clowns tainted the American perception of them. Mute throughout the series, Clarabell communicated with horn honks and sprays of seltzer. But then in the final episode of the show, Clarabell reveals he can speak! As drums roll, the camera comes in close to his face, building anticipation for his first and last words. After a bit of struggle, the clown whispers “bye, kids” in a hauntingly tender way as everything fades to black. That final moment lands heavier than all the other scary clowns because you expect them to be scary. But after more than a decade, you thought you knew Clarabell. Now, I’m 30 percent sure Clarabell is the face you see before you die.
8. Real Clowns
From what? Real Life
Scariest moment? When these stories went internationally viral instead of sticking to the filler segment of the local news.
What makes these clowns scary? Gacy aside, most clowns are nice people. And there’s a very charming documentary made by BBC about some British clowns, who all seem like caring, funny and down-to-Earth gentleman that barely make a living wage entertaining children. For those afraid of clowns, it’s like a documentary on tarantulas where they do charity work and needlepoint portraits of celebrities. But for those who prefer to wallow in the waking nightmare we all live in, during 2016, an already objectively horrifying year, clowns just started showing up unexpectedly in the woods and shit. And there’s a film being made about it if you would like to see what it would be like to try to track down those clowns. Of course, the film imagines that these clowns were actually murderous and not just opportunists preying on preexisting fears to go viral—which, is still pretty monstrous.
7. Killer Klowns From Outer Space
From what? Killer Klowns From Outer Space
Scariest moment? When one sticks his hand inside a murdered police officer and turns him into a puppet.
Why are these clowns scary? After a circus-tent-shaped spaceship crashes to Earth, a photogenic couple investigate its interior. There, they find an invading race of killer clowns that preserve the corpses of slaughtered humans in cocoons of cotton candy. Grotesquely detailed with dirty teeth, grubby makeup and demented expressions, the seven-foot-tall clowns descend on the city, harvesting bodies with cotton candy guns, working a murdered police officer like a hand-puppet and unleashing a Clownzilla—each stunt seamlessly blending horror and campy comedy until the line between the two becomes indistinguishable. Eventually, our heroes realize they can kill the clowns by landing a direct blow to their big red noses, which causes the clowns to spin until they explode. The biological factors on an alien planet that would allow such a species to evolve are unimaginable, but due to their self-aware corniness and dedication to fleshing out the absurd concept, the Killer Klowns from Outer Space stand completely distinct from every other scary clown.
6. Twisty the Clown
From what? American Horror Story
Scariest moment? When he emerges from the woods to interrupt a picnic make-out sesh with a stabbing.
Why’s this clown scary? Twisty got dealt a tough hand. After being dropped on his head as a baby, he found happiness as a clown who was so popular he angered other circus performers. So they falsely accused him of diddling kids. Blacklisted from the carnie circuit, he tries to commit suicide via shotgun, but only succeeds in blowing off the lower half of his face. At this point, Twisty really starts dealing with the tragedy of his life poorly by going on a serial killing spree and kidnapping children that he feels would be better off in his care than that of their “mean” parents who make them do chores and refuse to let them eat candy. He eventually meets his fate at the blade of the literally two-faced Edward Mordrake. Twisty’s backstory is suitably, if gratuitously sad, just as his response to his situation is suitably, if gratuitously gruesome. As a horror anthology, American Horror Story would probably be incomplete without a clown, but they could have done a good deal more with Twisty—and perhaps they will as he’s coming back for American Horror Story: Cult.
5. Captain Spaulding
From what? House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil’s Rejects
Scariest moment? When he gives a guided tour through his Museum of Monsters and Madmen
Why’s this clown scary? In House of 1000 Corpses, Captain Spaulding hosts a double date that results in The Office’s Rainn Wilson turning into a taxidermied Fishboy, among other artistically horrifying things. In the sequel, Spaulding gets a larger role as he embarks upon a killing spree with his makeshift family. Along the way, he car-jacks a single mother and her child for “clown business,” then stops at a brothel run by a pimp that doesn’t trust him not to snort all his cocaine. Eventually, Spaulding meets his end in a hail of police bullets as “Freebird” scores the moment. He may be the least clown-ish clown as he mostly uses the get-up like stage makeup for visitors of his roadside stand. But of all horror clowns, he’s got the best personality, the foulest mouth and the most panache when it comes to murder.
4. John Wayne Gacy
From what? Gacy
Scariest moment? When he actually existed in real life.
Why’s this clown scary? In between torturing and murdering at least 33 young men, John Wayne Gacy also liked to dress up as Pogo the Clown and show up at children’s birthday parties. Gacy’s real-life exploits certainly intensified the horrific lore surrounding clowns and in the poorly received biopic about his life, he’s half-clad in costume while drowning a handcuffed young man in a bathtub as Gacy’s mother sleeps in the other room. It doesn’t make a ton of sense as a movie scene, but it’s certainly less gobsmacking than the fact that Gacy eluded suspicion for six years, being seen in the community as an upstanding mini-mogul in construction. But this double-life gets at the core of one of the most frightening features about clowns: that underneath the makeup and costume, there’s a strange, middle-aged man who you know nothing about.
3. Billy The Puppet
From what? The Saw movies
Scariest moment? When the damn, inanimate puppet rides a tricycle.
Why’s this clown scary? Before becoming the Jigsaw killer, John Kramer made the first version of Billy while expecting a baby boy. When his wife lost the child after an injury sustained in a robbery, John made his way into the deep end, first dealing with depression, then an unsuccessful suicide attempt that convinced him to start testing others’ will to live by placing them in sadistic challenges. To obscure his identity while presenting his subjects with the rules to his games, he created an enhanced, mechanized version of Billy that can also ride a tricycle. As far as human beings fearing things that are pseudo-human, Billy presents a double-whammy as a puppet and a clown, compounding the fear of those who are already pretty afraid as they’ve been instructed to, for example, cut open somebody’s stomach or their head will get forcibly unfolded like a pizza box.
2. The Joker
From what? The Dark Knight
Scariest moment? When he smacks the dead, fake Batman into the mayor’s window.
Why’s this clown scary? After kicking things off with an impeccably timed bank robbery, the Joker gets enlisted by the mob to kill Batman. Along the way, he blows up a hospital, crashes a Harvey Dent fundraiser, puts knifes in cheeks, does a “magic trick,” turns Rachel Dawes into ash, shoots an RPG at an armored car, plays chicken with Batman on a motorcycle and orchestrates a “social experiment” by rigging two ferries with a whole bunch of explosives—among other things. Whatever it was that made him the way he is, the Joker certainly approaches his life’s work with enthusiasm and attention to detail. He sets out to prove that Gotham’s citizens will “eat each other” once he topples the societal structures that he believes keeps them orderly. He doesn’t succeed at that, but he does reveal that the government will feed its people a lie to keep them tranquil—a scary reality. Oh, and he seems to lack any semblance of humanity as he goes on a serial murdering spree where he adorns his victims with makeup and cryptic clues about who’s next. That’s pretty scary too.
1. Krusty The Clown
From what? The Simpsons
Scariest moment? When he’s chronically unhappy despite fame, wealth and the adoration of his fans.
How does this happen? Of all the characters in the intricate universe of The Simpsons, no supporting player is more complex than Krusty. At the tail end of an underwhelming career, Krusty is sick of starring in his shoddy children’s program. So to maximally monetize his celebrity, he hawks a load of dangerous merchandise like Krusty burgers made of circus meat, pregnancy tests that can cause birth defects and week-long stays at Kamp Krusty, where children eat imitation gruel, gather around tire-and-gasoline fires and work long hours making counterfeit wallets. Krusty blows the money earned through these dishonest dealings on extravagances like condor egg omelettes, but he finds these superficial pleasures empty as he confronts the facts: he’s not proud of his work and he profits off products that harm others. Krusty is the scariest clown because all the others present an external threat, and a rare one at that. Krusty’s nightmare comes from within. He shows that even if you achieve fame and wealth beyond your wildest dreams while doing a job you once loved, you can still find yourself trapped in a nightmare of your own creation—and that’s scarier than any clown.